You Say You Never Had A Wild Turkey?

Oct 3, 2004

We visited my best friend Lonnie yesterday and took (Stacey's cousin) Stephanie and her husband, Ray, with us. Should have been packing but, what the hell, we still have 16 days left ... we can finish that any time. Oy.

Our idea was to attend the once-a-month auction held in Cuddebackville, the town-ette near Lonnie's country house. These are real country auctions where you can get great prices on antiques, collectables, furniture. So we started off, in the rain, in the car, and, after 3 hours or so, arrived. A little meal of ribs, shrimp and wine was served and then we were off to the auction.

Well, not quite. As Lonnie was taking the new guests on a tour of his manse he spied a flock of wild turkeys in his back forty. Quick as you can say Thanksgiving is a comin,' Lonnie was gone. Stephanie thought that he, being the photographer that he is, was off to "shoot" the turkeys with his camera. I knew better. Like a flash he ran through the living room where I had been sitting with Stacey and Monique, shotgun in hand and a strange expression on face. He didn't quite run. But if you've seen racing walkers and the strange way that they stride, then you've imagined what Lonnie looked like as he whizzed through the house. Out across the meadow he headed. I could swear the turkeys did a double take as they saw Daniel Boone cum elderly Jew from Brooklyn race toward them. They headed swiftly into the forest, Lonnie in pursuit. The next thing we heard was the loud report of the gun and then ... silence.

Well, my friend Lonnie, the great hunter that he is, has been trying to bag a wild turkey for lo many years. He has never succeeded. But we will now remember and consecrate the second day of October forever more as the day that Lonnie brought home the bird. Actually, two birds.

October 2, 2004 - the day that Lonnie flipped the bird, er, birds.
No doubt you're familiar with that old TV theme song for the pioneer Daniel Boone:

Daniel Boone was a man,
Yes, a big man!
With an eye like an eagle
And as tall as a mountain was he!
Daniel Boone was a man,
Yes, a big man!
He was brave, he was fearless
And as tough as a mighty oak tree!
From the coonskin cap on the top of ol' Dan
To the heel of his rawhide shoe;
The rippin'est, roarin'est, fightin'est man
The frontier ever knew!

And now Stephanie and Ray's version:

My friend Lonnie's a man
A nice Jewish man.
Equipped with a gun,
Though mostly for fun.
Shooting away
But with mostly dismay
Until that fateful October day
With a visit from Steph and Ray.
The turkeys, they were nibbling in the meadow
Unaware of this fearless gun-toting fellow.
Then the birds they were shot
But by a camera - - NOT!
Were the turkeys tired? Slow?
Sadly, this we will never know.
But one thing is for sure,
Lonnie's settled the score.
Now it's man over beast
At this November's Thanksgiving feast.